What I’ve never said about my fit, healthy life.

Think I’ve had it easy? Think my journey is some generic loves fitness, loves eating healthy and made a career out of it thing? Think I haven’t had to go through crazy struggles with my mental and physical health? Think I haven’t struggled with unhealthy extremes on both sides? Think I haven’t lost and gained weight countless times? Think I haven’t struggled with disordered eating and food addiction? Think I haven’t struggled with debilitating chronic illness my whole life that sometimes leaves me not able to leave bed for days at a time?

This picture doesn’t come with some “hard work and dedication get you results” quote bullshit. The differences in these photos are actually entirely the result of an illness that at many times I’ve been virtually powerless over. Sometimes my body is out of my control. Sometimes my mind is out of my control. Sometimes no matter how bad I want to look like the woman on the right, I look like the woman on the left. And damn you don’t know how hard that is being in the fitness industry where your job is to motivate, inspire and teach others how to achieve health and fitness. When you know every bit of information you need, and you execute all the right steps ….but your body still has something going on that you and all of the specialists you’ve seen don’t quite understand.

But I will say one thing, despite the fact my body and health are not where they would ideally be right now I am still fighting every single day for myself. I fight for answers, I fight for healing and I fight for loving myself despite the pain, the weight gain or the mental inability to do sometimes the most basic tasks.

For 33 years of my life I tried to deny and ignore the fact that something has been seriously wrong with me and that I wasn’t like all the other athletes or fitness professionals I was surrounded by. I tried to use positive thinking, affirmations and pure grit to push through and make my reality different. Among a million other things!

After 33 years of being in the closet with these issues I finally asked myself what if I just acknowledge this part of me. What if I just share the truth and the reality of what my life and struggles are like. What if I release this incredibly high standard of perfection that I’ve been holding myself to my entire life and that I’ve allowed the fitness industry to hold me to as well. What if I stop buying into the idea that I can’t help others if I’m still struggling this much myself? What would it feel like to finally speak up and share my real story, the full story?

What if this was my greatest challenge to love myself through all of this?

And then slowly but surely I started speaking up here and there and only in the past month or so have I even spoke the words “ I have a chronic illness”. Each time I do my stomach turns, there’s a part of my mind that doesn’t want to accept it, that doesn’t think it’s safe to say it and that is consumed with fear of what others will actually think that means.

I believe in natural medicine. I believe in the power of nutrition and the right mindset. I believe in miracles and a higher power. I believe in the transformational abilities of alternative medicine and healing modalities. I’ve experience benefits and changes through all of these things and I will continue to advocate for them.

But I also believe that sometimes things in our life aren’t meant to be changed but rather learned from. I believe our biggest growth comes from being able to accept and be in the moment with all of its good and bad. I believe life isn’t about trying to fixate on one perfect vibration and ignore the rest. And I believe that sometimes our journeys are meant to help others more than they are meant for ourselves.

So I’ve come to a point that I am brace both. I am human this is my reality and I will still believe in and strive to find answers and healing but I will also acknowledge and understand my reality in the most all encompassing way that I can.

I will speak up for myself and for the thousands of other people who deal with chronic, mystery an invisible illness that nobody else understands.

I will share. I will speak. And I will celebrate all of my victories without feeling like it invalidates my struggles or makes them not real.

I love myself where I am, and being two months back into training…I’m loving myself through the journey too. I believe I’ll get back to my ideal place again (the picture on the right) but for now…I’m the health, fitness and nutrition professional with several chronic illnesses that have her where she is now. That’s my reality. That’s my truth. And that’s ok.

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