I Am Allowed To Be Beautifully And Chaotically Human. And So Are You….

I am allowed to be beautifully, painfully and chaotically human. And so are you….

Chronic illness, veganism, marriage, plant medicine and friendships are just a few of the things that have taken me deep deep inside to massive soul lessons and growth the past few years. Let’s get raw and real for a moment.

For the longest time if I told someone I wasn’t available for some thing, was too busy, didn’t have time etc. I would feel this immense amount of guilt and anxiety. I would be terrified to post anything on social media in fear they would have the thought “oh she’s too busy but she can post all day?” And so on.

Chronic illness taught me that my precious energetic resources need to be managed with meticulous care, And given my ambitious, driven, high speed entrepreneurial self still lived inside me, I had to recalibrate a LOT. How I showed up. Where I showed up. When I showed up. What I shared. How I was available. And also what I was holding back in fear, shame or guilt. I’ve realized a lot how much these dynamics have governed how I walk through life and show up in this space called social media. How I want to share deeper layers and levels, but feel like I’m in a circus where every move we make or piece of content we create needs to be riveting, Masterfully produced and endlessly entertaining. I feel like the woman who wants to walk in, show everyone my soul and what it’s been through, but nobody is buying the tickets. It feels like rejection and unworthiness and those feelings say “stay hidden”.

I desire so much to share my deeper truths and the lessons the past few years have given me. Big ones around mistakes, identities, and unconventional ways of walking through this life.

I’ve never tried to just share the highlight reels of my life, I’ve always intended to show more of myself than the cute pictures or successful moments but it’s sticky. It’s hard when thousands of voices are watching you, judging you, talking about you and blatantly attacking you. It’s hard to show the sides that may resonate with a few, but serve as comedy and entertainment for others.

I AM a busy woman. I have 3 companies. I’m a coach. A therapist. A trainer. A product developer and inventor. A writer. A podcaster. A business manager. Creative director. Healer. Light worker. Puppy mom. Wife. A perpetual learner. I’m also a messy human, still messing up and still dealing with inner demons who have overstayed their welcome and are laughing in my face.

Beyond all that I’m still A spiritual being navigating this earth inside a body that has demanded I slow down, tune in, and find another way to deal with ALL of that. Because I am creating more of my own suffering by rejecting the actual pain. A way of surrender. A way of ease. A way that has NOTHING to do with society and it’s rules but requires you to brave the ultimate ridicule, judgement and rejection to get to.

A way of BOLD truth standing that says I’M ALLOWED TO Do this DIFFERENTLY. TO REST! To say NO. I don’t know. Or not now. And I’m allowed to do all that not because I’m “drowning” “slammed” or “broken” or “weak”. But because I value my peace. My growth. My solitude. My time in the sun. Surrounded by flowers, grass, fresh air and birds singing. I’m allowed to read half a page in 10 different books, post 20 social media posts when I feel led and not come back for days. I’m allowed to not answer every single message that comes through on 20 different social platforms connected to thousands upon thousands of people.

I’m allowed to have strict business policies and divine spiritual boundaries in my business and life. I’m allowed to enforce both and pull back when they have been violated.

I am allowed to be all those things and I’ve done a really good job of setting my life up in a way that reflects those boundaries and priorities. But now I’ll share something deeper.

I am allowed to be heart broken and battling hard times, while strong and capable enough to guide others through their own journeys.

I’m allowed to still be learning the very lessons I teach and “know” inside and out.

I’m allowed to teach and advocate natural healing and health, while struggling with a health crisis of a lifetime that has been debilitating for years. The very same crisis that drove me to learn the things I’ve learned, and be the expert I am. The same as trauma did to lead me to trauma healing. Being an expert, and helping others can coexist inside our own journeys to deeper healing ourselves.

I’m allowed to make endless spelling and grammar errors because I multi task and my fingers move faster than my iPhone keyboard can keep up with. And because I struggle with sometimes crippling ADHD and perfectionism, so if I don’t act imperfectly I’ll never act at all. I’ve learned grace here, but the cruel internet certainly hasn’t.

I’m allowed to experiment with new social norms, outside of my typical “yeah I need to plan this 3 months in advance because everything has to be perfectly organized and scheduled in” and be honest with people. Saying things like “hey is it ok that I’m not sure how I’ll feel, how busy I’ll be, or if I’ll feel up to getting together and us just play it by ear the day of?” And I’m allowed to walk out the door to meet them with no makeup, not put together and just show up as the rawest, realist ME.

I’m allowed to change my mind, or say “I thought this was right but I had to reevaluate” much like I had to do with my path into, through and OUT of veganism. Something that felt so right to my core but then took me MUCH further with much deeper lessons than veganism itself had to offer. Even though I’ve mentioned it several times in different posts over the years, in case anyone missed it this is my official I am not vegan anymore announcement.. Apparently to the movement I never was but that’s ok. That is their idea and judgement, I’m letting go of mine. And trust me I had them harsher to myself than anyone else did. 

I’m allowed to be overwhelmed, stressed, angry and blunt with people. I’ve worked really hard on this one, because it feels so unnatural for me, but in the past two years I’ve felt like I’m in a pressure cooker of demands from people. And people who are just TAKING from me. No thank you. No acknowledgment. No exchange. Just take. And my soul is trying to stand up for itself and not doing the greatest job just yet. That “always be nice and kind and love and light” thing is an impossible standard to live up to but damn it gets ingrained DEEPLY.

I’m allowed to grieve my physical body, the way it’s changed. What it’s “lost” (strength) and what it’s gained (weight). I’m allowed to love it, but also be angry with it and ashamed of it too… while I sort through the feelings that it abandoned me, failed me or should be another way. I’m allowed to hide away from the world sometimes while I navigate that, and try to find a whole new confidence in a physical shell I do not recognize or frankly want. I’m allowed to give myself grace while doing all that.

And lastly, and most painfully. I’m allowed to take space, and time away from relationships that aren’t cohesive, so that my higher self (and theirs) can let me integrate the lessons and see things differently. To make unconventional decisions about things and let go of my paranoia of who will judge me, think I’m “fake” or that I have no right to do so. I’m allowed to sink into other parts of my heart, so that I can learn lessons away from anger, pain, ego and resentment. I’m allowed to find lost and fragmented parts of myself and to do that alone. And this is what I’m doing now with a therapeutic separation from my husband, whom I love endlessly. The hardest thing you’ll ever do in love is allow space, and surrender completly for the highest good with NO attachment on what the ultimate outcome is.

So you see from the minute we’re born we start putting guidelines, rules, boundaries and compasses on our every move and action. We mold ourselves around these identities that either we chose personally or had others choose for us. We then create endless suffering, and internal struggle every single time life has another plan and things don’t look quite the way we want them to. The pressure and dissonance we have inside feels like a struggle between two different selves, one reaching for power, the other for freedom. We rarely get the clarity we need until we strip down EVERYTHING that held up those bullshit identities to begin with. This generally means a LOT of loss. And a lot of time alone to figure it all out.

Each piece of the inauthentic framework you built yourself up with will have its own lessons for you to dissect once they crumble and fall. That means you can’t keep running away from the rubble, you have to move as close to it as possible. Get IN it, and find the pieces of you you want to take in to the next chapter. Leave the rest behind.

My hope in sharing this is that regardless of all the superficial things that fill your feeds, or all the people you see and think “man, they have it so TOGETHER” we are all struggling in our own ways. There’s nothing wrong with not opening up to the world and sharing your deepest darkest parts with everyone. The only thing that’s wrong about any of this is the idea that we’re not allowed, we shouldn’t or that we’re failures for going through these experiences and when nobody talks about them those thought processes get perpetuated.

So here is my current life, messy, chaotic, painful. But ALSO, empowered, strong and courages That current self is also showing up as a warrior to keep moving through it. And your inner warrior self is just asking you to say “it’s ok you feel like this, you’re not alone, now let’s keep moving one step at a time and let life lead us”. Tell yourself that, today, right now. Write it down. Embody the surrender and please reach out and tell me how that shifted the mess inside.

I’ve been doing some very powerful things lately, with ancient roots, lineage, our very dna and the deepest parts of myself with incredule healers and teachers. I’ve got some big powerful things that have been calling me, some known, some unknown. Everything that guides me insisted to me that to move towards those things I needed to let go of all my own judgments and fears around my own reality and identity. Sharing this publically was also my doing just that. ✨💖

Love, light and zen
The realEST #SpiritualFitChick