Healing and Growth From Abusive Relationships

I stumbled upon a few poems I wrote years ago during a pretty horrible relationship. I didn’t know what love should look like, but in my heart I knew what it shouldn’t look like. I felt stuck, lost, broken, and empty. This was one of the lowest points in my life, yet somehow it was also the year I started my business. This wasn’t just an emotionally abusive relationship, but also physically abusive and in both regards I almost didn’t make it out alive. Somehow a vision of a different future kept me moving. Somehow something inside me took the pain and devastation and poured everything I had left into my business (Kaizen) and it exploded.

As it grew, I healed… but tragically enough I ended up in another relationship virtually exactly like this one a few years later. This time, after experiencing the pain and destruction of it all again, I knew I had to change everything about my life. My choices, what I tolerated, what I expected and allowed in my life…I knew I was the common denominator and something was causing me to make these choices (subconsciously).

Bad relationships don’t generally start out that way, though. Narcissistic personalities are the most charming of all. They make you fall hard and fast, and a vulnerable empath with no sense of self and a heart too big for her own good was a recipe for disaster. Over the years so much had changed. I knew I could not go through one more relationship like the ones I had been in and had to believe there was something different out there.

For a long time, my heart was so deeply broken. I was a shell of a woman and nobody could even get close. I had a lot of inner work to do, and it took me years.. but I never stopped seeking the answers I knew I deserved. I swear by the hundreds of books I read during these few years. Psychology of every type, learning to understand personality and behaviors of people, numerous different relationship philosophies, analysis and explanations, books on self confidence, healing codependency, communication, how to say no, how to have standards and expectations, etc etc etc. The pages gave me life, and a sense of self I’d never had before. Information molds us, and these gave me the knowledge, insight, and guidance to understand what was happening, understand how to escape, understand everything that was happening internally and navigate from being a codependent mess, to the woman I am today.

Knowledge is power, experience creates wisdom, and application creates that massive change in your life. Pairing all the above with somatic healing modalities like Craniosacral was what brought it all together.

Seeing the words I wrote years ago while I was in these abusive relationships and remembering the pain I was in was nothing short of humbling. They are such a profound contrast of where I am at now, and they represent the absolute possibility of change.

Never stop learning, growing and changing because there are so many parts of your life and yourself that you can change if you give yourself the right tools. If you’ve been in numerous bad relationships, and are broken hearted, wondering “what’s wrong with ME” or thinking it’s better to be alone than try, just know this: It’s not that it’s your fault or that you deserved it, but understand you can’t be the same person, making the same choices and operating the same way and expect a different type of person to come into your life.

You MUST take responsibility for yourself and be committed to changing yourself to achieve a different outcome. This is hard to do when you’ve been in an abusive relationship because our minds can easily justify that it wasn’t our fault, it was the perpetrator; the bad guy, and we were innocent victims. And that is OFTEN TRUE. I will never victim blame or bypass abuse. However, while on the surface that is certainly true, again we have to take responsibility for what inside us attracted that experience or allowed it into our lives, and we have to do this because it’s the only way we can change. It’s a brutal exercise of self accountability that isn’t fun, I promise you that. At first it’s easy to be fooled by charming people, especially narcissists, but often times we continue to tolerate things long after the red flags have appeared or we become unhappy and that requires evaluation as well. Again, they did the bad thing, they lied, they cheated, they hurt us. Yes, they did. Now turn all that attention to them back to yourself, and keep it focused there. Ask “what and how do I need to change” and follow the path that unfolds.

Our deepest pain is often our highest calling of growth and expansion. If you open your mind to these questions you will transition into better experiences. You have to change the inside, to create a different outside.

In closing, I’ll share these two poems that were my reality 13 years ago. The first one was to myself, the second to the person I felt like destroyed me. I hope the words above, or the poems below resonate and inspire you if you’re struggling in this area. There is hope.

“When did you choose to lose yourself?
How did you choose to go?
When did your heart go up on a shelf
And how did you not even know?

When did you decide you’re not good enough?
You’re not worthy of anything more?
If life is hard love must be rough?
So you belong down here on the floor?

When did you look in the mirror,
and accept to see empty eyes?
When will your vision get clearer
To see truth between all the lies?

When did your dreams get carried?
Off on a shooting star?
When did your heart get buried….
Along with all that you are?”

“I’ve lost myself within you, I’ve taken all your pain.
You’ve trapped me in a prison, I’m drowning in the rain
I gave you everything I had to give
I even gave you the life I live
I fought, I’ve screamed, I’ve kicked, I’ve cried,
I’ve lived, I’ve loved and now I’ve died.
My heart in pieces inside my chest,
rips me open, I’ve lost my best
You were all I wanted, I gave my all,
but you just stood there and watched me fall
I’m beaten, broken, torn and bruised
I can’t deny it, I’ve been abused
All I’m asking you is why
How can you love me, but make me cry?”

IMPORTANT MESSAGE:
This share of my personal journey takes place AFTER getting out of a bad relationships is only addressing those on the other side of the abuse and in the inner healing stage. If you are in an abusive relationship there are many resources that could help you get to safety and begin your escape. That is the number one priority that comes before anything else!
If you or someone you love is struggling with domestic abuse, please click the link below and call the hotlines for further help. Speak out!

Home